Three days from today......

My fiance has come down for our engagement and guess thats exactly why i decided that if i should blog then it ought to be rather early in the morning because i'm sure to get busy both with him and also preparing for June 23rd Monday, which is when we will be engaged.

With the mind occupied this way, I'm not entirely sure if i should continue posting my free and independent life as a student. Nikhil please dont assume that i'm not free and independant now that i'm getting engaged to you ;)

Anyway, as far as the next three days are going to go, one thing is for sure, the spotlight will be on us and i'm not too comfortable with attention. Actually, if someone pays alot of attention to me, I begin to wonder if i've done something wrong. I prefer going about my daily work without others realising what it is that i do.

Come to think of it, I hardly do anything and thats why most often (in the past 3 years) I have not had the need to be in others minds. But Monday is a special day indeed and i think i should be calm enough to accept that people around me say and do things only because they care. They are happy for me and so expect me to be a little different from what i have been until yesterday.

I've always believed that i have to assert my point of view every single time and till date i have found a way to get around people. In the process of getting others to accept my decision i have angered many, irritated quite a few and have made others just give in to me irrespective of what they want for themselves. But the past month has been a pleasant change for me in that way. I've patiently given a ear to most things that have been spoken to me, getting angry very few times (the occurence of my outburst for some of the topics they discussed would have been quite bad, if i didnt realise that the others around me knew much more about marriage than i)

I realised i behaved the way i did, until say a month back, was because i was in my house, my parents were forced to love me :) and i was not answerable to anyone else except my conscience. But its not going to be that way now. I'm no doubt very comfortable with my would be in-laws and my fiance but still its time i became responsible and careful about the things i do and said, there are more people listening now. My parents accepted my childishness simply because i was their child but i need to restrain myself henceforth. I have to make life altering decisions (sometimes), concede to the fact that its collective responsibilty henceforth and mistakes will make a whole lot more difference than it did until today.

I guess i've never thought of so many things before saying yes to marriage. Impulse and intuition made me say yes. If only i had thougt sooooooo much, who knows what i would have done. But i guess this is all part of the scheme of things when one is born.

I'm a big believer of fate, not that i surrender to it comletely, no way, but I do realise that sometimes reasoning doesnt apply to certain twists and turns that happen in ones life. Marriage is certainly one that i'm not going to think too much about.

Amma may not really accept my reasoning of fate and sometimes just calls me a fool for talking what she perceives to be nonsense but i prefer calling it logic. Its my explanation of logic that forced me not to accept to marriage till a month back. I've always told her that i will know when i'm ready for marriage, whereas she believed that i knew nothing and was wasting my time not getting married. (My mother is a very well read woman of shastras, Bhagavad Gita, Bhagavatham and whatever you name that this world has got under the Hindu tradition and scriptures but i do find her ways unacceptable.) I guess i have my own dharmas and codes of conduct for living a contended life.

I've been very vague, i now, but i'm just pouring out everything thats there within me. 48 hours from now and my future will be alterer, foever. So please bear with my ramblings. :)