My fiance has come down for our engagement and guess thats exactly why i decided that if i should blog then it ought to be rather early in the morning because i'm sure to get busy both with him and also preparing for June 23rd Monday, which is when we will be engaged.
With the mind occupied this way, I'm not entirely sure if i should continue posting my free and independent life as a student. Nikhil please dont assume that i'm not free and independant now that i'm getting engaged to you ;)
Anyway, as far as the next three days are going to go, one thing is for sure, the spotlight will be on us and i'm not too comfortable with attention. Actually, if someone pays alot of attention to me, I begin to wonder if i've done something wrong. I prefer going about my daily work without others realising what it is that i do.
Come to think of it, I hardly do anything and thats why most often (in the past 3 years) I have not had the need to be in others minds. But Monday is a special day indeed and i think i should be calm enough to accept that people around me say and do things only because they care. They are happy for me and so expect me to be a little different from what i have been until yesterday.
I've always believed that i have to assert my point of view every single time and till date i have found a way to get around people. In the process of getting others to accept my decision i have angered many, irritated quite a few and have made others just give in to me irrespective of what they want for themselves. But the past month has been a pleasant change for me in that way. I've patiently given a ear to most things that have been spoken to me, getting angry very few times (the occurence of my outburst for some of the topics they discussed would have been quite bad, if i didnt realise that the others around me knew much more about marriage than i)
I realised i behaved the way i did, until say a month back, was because i was in my house, my parents were forced to love me :) and i was not answerable to anyone else except my conscience. But its not going to be that way now. I'm no doubt very comfortable with my would be in-laws and my fiance but still its time i became responsible and careful about the things i do and said, there are more people listening now. My parents accepted my childishness simply because i was their child but i need to restrain myself henceforth. I have to make life altering decisions (sometimes), concede to the fact that its collective responsibilty henceforth and mistakes will make a whole lot more difference than it did until today.
I guess i've never thought of so many things before saying yes to marriage. Impulse and intuition made me say yes. If only i had thougt sooooooo much, who knows what i would have done. But i guess this is all part of the scheme of things when one is born.
I'm a big believer of fate, not that i surrender to it comletely, no way, but I do realise that sometimes reasoning doesnt apply to certain twists and turns that happen in ones life. Marriage is certainly one that i'm not going to think too much about.
Amma may not really accept my reasoning of fate and sometimes just calls me a fool for talking what she perceives to be nonsense but i prefer calling it logic. Its my explanation of logic that forced me not to accept to marriage till a month back. I've always told her that i will know when i'm ready for marriage, whereas she believed that i knew nothing and was wasting my time not getting married. (My mother is a very well read woman of shastras, Bhagavad Gita, Bhagavatham and whatever you name that this world has got under the Hindu tradition and scriptures but i do find her ways unacceptable.) I guess i have my own dharmas and codes of conduct for living a contended life.
I've been very vague, i now, but i'm just pouring out everything thats there within me. 48 hours from now and my future will be alterer, foever. So please bear with my ramblings. :)
Friday, June 20, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Musings of a mad mind - 3
I'm listening to one of the songs that really tilt my mind even when i'm in the dumps.. :)
Its a song from a tamizh album, folk number. This will make you think thats its a slow song, set in a village background. But it isn't :) Its a total koothu number and I cant stop dancing my 'famous' dance everytime i hear it.
This certainly sets the tone for my writing today because it takes me straight back to my college days when i was a free soul.
The first day of Ethiraj college in a department that was meant primarily for nerds is not what i imagined for myself, but it made others look at Mathematics in a different way i guess and i would not hesitate to take credit for it.
I actually went to class about two weeks after the course had commenced and it didnt make any difference to me. Why would it?
Anyway, even before i got to know my classmates, I befriended my seniors. I was sitting on the table and generally looking at the general composition of the class, when this senior, whose name was also Aarthi (she spelt it this way) came upto to me and told me not to sit on the table.
This i have to mention, the first time i saw Aarthi, i realised that she had never seen anything beyond her books, math problems and scoring the same score that was there in the denominaors of exams almost every single time.
So when Aarthi came and tried to be a little authoritative, she should have realised that she had tried it with the wrong person ;). The only question i gave her time and space to ask was my name, which i didnt answer to but instead i questioned her so thouroughly that an interoggation session with the police would have come a close second!!!!!!
But that broke the ice almost immediately and all of Aarthi's classmates got to know me very well and they all collectively felt very comfortable with me and more importantly, me with them.
After this came the process of getting to know my peers and that hardly proved to be a difficult task. I happened to be the only one who questioned lecturers and made an immediate impression of being a rebel, which i wasn't. Questioning in the mathematics department of ethiraj college is not associated with inquisitiveness and want to learn, instead its misunderstood as being a brat. This impression remained with me throughout college but thats what made me different.
However, i soon realised that my class had a handful of like minded people and its with only them that i am in contact with till date. That number ait too much, just two. Probably sometime later when i write, why Jayashree and Paddu played such a huge role through my degree.
We were hardly into the second week of my course, I realised that i just could not sit through the lectures for 2 weeks, let alone 3 YEARS!!!!!!!!! Impossible would have been easier.
(Am just stepping out for a bit but i will return to write more.....
Am back. I had to go and collect our engagement ring. )
The realisation struck me so hard that I made i desperate attempt to find Urmi. (I had lost touch with her for a brief period. The day we met at Stella i took her number but wrote it on my palm, and the rest as they say is history.) But the present was important, I needed to get in touch with her to find out if i could join the cricket team (she was born to a cricketing family, and now i can proudly call my second home).
Apparently lady luck was by my side those days and the very next afternoon guess who walks right in front of me, dressed in blue tracks and gray t-shirt (uru, i still remember that day like it was onlt this morning) and looking like a really cool sportsperson.
That day began my journey, my quest to rediscovering who i was and what i was meant to do with my life.
I say this today because the game has engulfed me completely, pervaded my deepest soul and touched my heart in a way that not even God can remove it from within.
Cricket, Urmi, college, classmates, lecturers, canteen and everything else made life a carnival everyday.
There is lots to write and i will write it all, but not today. Tomorrow will be yet another piece in my jigsaw puzzle. :)
Its a song from a tamizh album, folk number. This will make you think thats its a slow song, set in a village background. But it isn't :) Its a total koothu number and I cant stop dancing my 'famous' dance everytime i hear it.
This certainly sets the tone for my writing today because it takes me straight back to my college days when i was a free soul.
The first day of Ethiraj college in a department that was meant primarily for nerds is not what i imagined for myself, but it made others look at Mathematics in a different way i guess and i would not hesitate to take credit for it.
I actually went to class about two weeks after the course had commenced and it didnt make any difference to me. Why would it?
Anyway, even before i got to know my classmates, I befriended my seniors. I was sitting on the table and generally looking at the general composition of the class, when this senior, whose name was also Aarthi (she spelt it this way) came upto to me and told me not to sit on the table.
This i have to mention, the first time i saw Aarthi, i realised that she had never seen anything beyond her books, math problems and scoring the same score that was there in the denominaors of exams almost every single time.
So when Aarthi came and tried to be a little authoritative, she should have realised that she had tried it with the wrong person ;). The only question i gave her time and space to ask was my name, which i didnt answer to but instead i questioned her so thouroughly that an interoggation session with the police would have come a close second!!!!!!
But that broke the ice almost immediately and all of Aarthi's classmates got to know me very well and they all collectively felt very comfortable with me and more importantly, me with them.
After this came the process of getting to know my peers and that hardly proved to be a difficult task. I happened to be the only one who questioned lecturers and made an immediate impression of being a rebel, which i wasn't. Questioning in the mathematics department of ethiraj college is not associated with inquisitiveness and want to learn, instead its misunderstood as being a brat. This impression remained with me throughout college but thats what made me different.
However, i soon realised that my class had a handful of like minded people and its with only them that i am in contact with till date. That number ait too much, just two. Probably sometime later when i write, why Jayashree and Paddu played such a huge role through my degree.
We were hardly into the second week of my course, I realised that i just could not sit through the lectures for 2 weeks, let alone 3 YEARS!!!!!!!!! Impossible would have been easier.
(Am just stepping out for a bit but i will return to write more.....
Am back. I had to go and collect our engagement ring. )
The realisation struck me so hard that I made i desperate attempt to find Urmi. (I had lost touch with her for a brief period. The day we met at Stella i took her number but wrote it on my palm, and the rest as they say is history.) But the present was important, I needed to get in touch with her to find out if i could join the cricket team (she was born to a cricketing family, and now i can proudly call my second home).
Apparently lady luck was by my side those days and the very next afternoon guess who walks right in front of me, dressed in blue tracks and gray t-shirt (uru, i still remember that day like it was onlt this morning) and looking like a really cool sportsperson.
That day began my journey, my quest to rediscovering who i was and what i was meant to do with my life.
I say this today because the game has engulfed me completely, pervaded my deepest soul and touched my heart in a way that not even God can remove it from within.
Cricket, Urmi, college, classmates, lecturers, canteen and everything else made life a carnival everyday.
There is lots to write and i will write it all, but not today. Tomorrow will be yet another piece in my jigsaw puzzle. :)
Musings of a mad mind - 2(cont.)
I'm making it sound like this is Dhoom 4 :) but i guess there is more continuity to my writing atleast.
As I was saying, VM made me feel big today and thats made my day and considering yesterday didnt go too well for me, this was certainly a pleasant break.
My mind is like a boiling pot of milk, sometimes bubbling with loads of joy, anger, sadness and every conceivable feeling. But for most part of it, its in simmer mode, reasonably calm and accepting.
But this very mind at college was a joyous one always. No responsibilities, not much answerability and loads of time to just have fun. Thats exactly how i spent my most beautiful 3 years in Ethiraj college. From the day i stepped into that place, i knew i had my bearings in place and that over oiling would not be required.
Talking about feeling so much at home in Ethi takes me back to be first 7 days of Hell in another place called Stella (This is entirely my feeling about Stella, I have actually known a few people to succeed and do well in life after coming out of that wreck of a place?!?)
Stella to me was a torture chamber and i dont think for the one week i was there, i breathed oxygen, it was that claustrophobic. But having managed to sit there for a week made me realise that the only form of discipline that i was going to adhere to was, SELF DISCIPLINE.
I came back home one day after college and cried to my mother and begged her to take me out, she accepted but only if i did a subject of her choice in the next college i went to. I conceded to that too. (She wanted me to pursue a BSc in Mathematics :) )
So, then came a lovely sunny morning when i got all geared up to leave the hell hole and voila there was yet another person sitting under yet another tree wanting to leave that college on the very same grounds as i did!!!! (This world did have sensioble people afterall)
And do you know what, that person whom i met under that lovely tree in that ill fated place is my best friend till date and shall always be more than that for the rest of my life, my dearest Uru. The gem that i will cherish for an entire lifetime.
We got along so well and were so happy being with each other that day, it made us feel really close. Its one in a million times that these things happen and its not without reason i guess. My mind vividly remembers the time when we both giggled our way across the road to have some paper photo copied, holding each others hands and coming back only to be chided by our respective mothers for behaving like kids. We were kids then, just 17 and right out of school. What was also funny was how we both said by to out former principal (we had our TC's by then) from under the door and laughed for that too. No one could have seen two happier faces that day.
I guess tomorrow is when i will start my journey with college life and its going to be a long and happy one for me. Happy writing for me and reading for others who might read it!!!!
Ciao...
As I was saying, VM made me feel big today and thats made my day and considering yesterday didnt go too well for me, this was certainly a pleasant break.
My mind is like a boiling pot of milk, sometimes bubbling with loads of joy, anger, sadness and every conceivable feeling. But for most part of it, its in simmer mode, reasonably calm and accepting.
But this very mind at college was a joyous one always. No responsibilities, not much answerability and loads of time to just have fun. Thats exactly how i spent my most beautiful 3 years in Ethiraj college. From the day i stepped into that place, i knew i had my bearings in place and that over oiling would not be required.
Talking about feeling so much at home in Ethi takes me back to be first 7 days of Hell in another place called Stella (This is entirely my feeling about Stella, I have actually known a few people to succeed and do well in life after coming out of that wreck of a place?!?)
Stella to me was a torture chamber and i dont think for the one week i was there, i breathed oxygen, it was that claustrophobic. But having managed to sit there for a week made me realise that the only form of discipline that i was going to adhere to was, SELF DISCIPLINE.
I came back home one day after college and cried to my mother and begged her to take me out, she accepted but only if i did a subject of her choice in the next college i went to. I conceded to that too. (She wanted me to pursue a BSc in Mathematics :) )
So, then came a lovely sunny morning when i got all geared up to leave the hell hole and voila there was yet another person sitting under yet another tree wanting to leave that college on the very same grounds as i did!!!! (This world did have sensioble people afterall)
And do you know what, that person whom i met under that lovely tree in that ill fated place is my best friend till date and shall always be more than that for the rest of my life, my dearest Uru. The gem that i will cherish for an entire lifetime.
We got along so well and were so happy being with each other that day, it made us feel really close. Its one in a million times that these things happen and its not without reason i guess. My mind vividly remembers the time when we both giggled our way across the road to have some paper photo copied, holding each others hands and coming back only to be chided by our respective mothers for behaving like kids. We were kids then, just 17 and right out of school. What was also funny was how we both said by to out former principal (we had our TC's by then) from under the door and laughed for that too. No one could have seen two happier faces that day.
I guess tomorrow is when i will start my journey with college life and its going to be a long and happy one for me. Happy writing for me and reading for others who might read it!!!!
Ciao...
Musings of a mad mind - 2
I was wondering while i was riding to some place this morning if while blogging one had some strict patterns to adhere to and then it struck as being one of the most dreadful ponderings and i'm pretty sure you know why!!!!
I was cribbing about school yesterday and today they do something unimaginable.. I got a cheque from them, for something i did for the school no doubt, but i hardly expected them to be this generous. I guess they have rated me higher than what i rated them. For this i'm certainly grateful for they have given me the confidence that pursuing a career in the field of sports may not be a bad idea for me and I guess a few more pointers in this direction and i will have my path paved.
My mum's just calling me for lunch and I'm going to go and eat, so i guess i will be writing more later today.. until then..
I was cribbing about school yesterday and today they do something unimaginable.. I got a cheque from them, for something i did for the school no doubt, but i hardly expected them to be this generous. I guess they have rated me higher than what i rated them. For this i'm certainly grateful for they have given me the confidence that pursuing a career in the field of sports may not be a bad idea for me and I guess a few more pointers in this direction and i will have my path paved.
My mum's just calling me for lunch and I'm going to go and eat, so i guess i will be writing more later today.. until then..
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
musings of a mad mind- 1
only yesterday did my fiance put in a thought in my ever dull mind.. why not blog about whatever happened at college, school and maybe even one of the best innigs i've played.
as far as the last one goes, seriously i'm yet to play something significant and memorable. I have scored a state level century but that has not been a satisfactory innings. I guess thats primarily because my team failed to qualify for the nationals that year and therefore the runs have no significance.
school to me was not the most enjoyable or memorable part of my life. I spent 12 years in the same school but when i think about it today, i realise that the time spent went by without any emotion attached to it. 12 years is a long time and yet the school has left a void and its something that can never be filled.
i cant comprehend as to why i feel this way. I had the respect of my peers and teachers alike. I was this typical sincere hard working( a quality that has lasted till date, thankfully!!!) student. But i think of myself more as an impulsive person who has many things to offer, but i did none of that in school. yet days, months and years went by without too many apprehensive days.
when i recollect those days, i dont see exciting times. I dont remember how often i've felt like just being at school, not ever wanting to leave. Hardly one day or not even that perhaps. yet, i still have some of my dearest friends from school.
at school i was the sports secretary ( a post that has refused to leave me even in college) but that came because in a school like VM if someone could actually make a concerted effort to run fast then we had leadership qualities, very flimsy reasons indeed. But then it gave me a sense of pride that for a change academics were not the criteria behind holding this particular post.
I can go on rambling about school but i would rather talk of college where i discovered myself. But thats for later....... :)
as far as the last one goes, seriously i'm yet to play something significant and memorable. I have scored a state level century but that has not been a satisfactory innings. I guess thats primarily because my team failed to qualify for the nationals that year and therefore the runs have no significance.
school to me was not the most enjoyable or memorable part of my life. I spent 12 years in the same school but when i think about it today, i realise that the time spent went by without any emotion attached to it. 12 years is a long time and yet the school has left a void and its something that can never be filled.
i cant comprehend as to why i feel this way. I had the respect of my peers and teachers alike. I was this typical sincere hard working( a quality that has lasted till date, thankfully!!!) student. But i think of myself more as an impulsive person who has many things to offer, but i did none of that in school. yet days, months and years went by without too many apprehensive days.
when i recollect those days, i dont see exciting times. I dont remember how often i've felt like just being at school, not ever wanting to leave. Hardly one day or not even that perhaps. yet, i still have some of my dearest friends from school.
at school i was the sports secretary ( a post that has refused to leave me even in college) but that came because in a school like VM if someone could actually make a concerted effort to run fast then we had leadership qualities, very flimsy reasons indeed. But then it gave me a sense of pride that for a change academics were not the criteria behind holding this particular post.
I can go on rambling about school but i would rather talk of college where i discovered myself. But thats for later....... :)
Today is yet another day where I have spent time doing nothing. Its been this way for quite a while now and really dont like it. I too want to have a busy life doing things that keep me occupied, mentally and physically. No doubt I enjoy playing and the process involved in making myself a better cricketer is a thoroughly enjoyable one but for the past one year, my intensity has dropped as far as actual practice goes. My mind refuses to bring its guard down though. perhaps thats the reason why i still manage to be a reasonable performer.
To overcome my boredom I'm getting into the habit of reading and its been working pretty well. There isn't really a particular genre that i prefer, which gives me the opportunity to explore wider areas. Let me wait and see if that gets me somewhere, afterall, time is something i have in plenty at the moment.
I guess thats my frustration vented out for the time being atleast.
To overcome my boredom I'm getting into the habit of reading and its been working pretty well. There isn't really a particular genre that i prefer, which gives me the opportunity to explore wider areas. Let me wait and see if that gets me somewhere, afterall, time is something i have in plenty at the moment.
I guess thats my frustration vented out for the time being atleast.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Back After A Year
This is only the second time i'm writing and its almost a year since i opened this. But this time round things seem to be looking up for me and my regularity in writing will just be a more frequent event.
For a start, next monday i will be engeged to a wonderful man, Nikhil Sivaramakrishnan. Its just been a month since we both decided that we could actually put up with each other and go on to have a family. The wedding is not for another six months but the engagement is a binding factor nonetheless.
My fiance might actually read this some day soon, but thats not going to prevent me from writing why i called him a wonderful man.
I've met alot of people in my profession and I've got very few opportunities to meet genuine men (women are a lot worse though!!!!!) and Nikhil was a refreshing to hear and understand. I just needed to speak to him once and i realised that some of my doubts about marriage can actually be put to rest. If someone can make me feel that way then he is someone i would like to spend time with for the rest of my life. I know I've got a lifelong friend in him.
I've made alot of people faint with my decision to marry. I didnt know that such an announcement would create this much of a stir among my friends and family, in a very happy way ofcourse.. :)
I guess this will just be the beginning of a very long journey that lies ahead of me and Nikhil
For a start, next monday i will be engeged to a wonderful man, Nikhil Sivaramakrishnan. Its just been a month since we both decided that we could actually put up with each other and go on to have a family. The wedding is not for another six months but the engagement is a binding factor nonetheless.
My fiance might actually read this some day soon, but thats not going to prevent me from writing why i called him a wonderful man.
I've met alot of people in my profession and I've got very few opportunities to meet genuine men (women are a lot worse though!!!!!) and Nikhil was a refreshing to hear and understand. I just needed to speak to him once and i realised that some of my doubts about marriage can actually be put to rest. If someone can make me feel that way then he is someone i would like to spend time with for the rest of my life. I know I've got a lifelong friend in him.
I've made alot of people faint with my decision to marry. I didnt know that such an announcement would create this much of a stir among my friends and family, in a very happy way ofcourse.. :)
I guess this will just be the beginning of a very long journey that lies ahead of me and Nikhil
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