Dreaming BIG Again

Finally, I have sat down to do this. It been more than a year since I have written, but only recently did I even remember that I maintained a blog. That is how much I have lost touch with writing. I hardly take a pen nowadays and so writing has never crossed my mind. Yet recently, on my visit to Bangalore for course, where I had lots to write, the first thought that came to me was to write here on this page.

It's been a hectic 6 months and as much as I miss being at home and doing stuff and not doing anything, it seems like I have a purpose now. My baby is growing up and then one day she will be all big and independent and I didn't want to wonder then what I would be doing with myself. I have some kind of focus now and have again started dreaming of bigger things.

When I was a player, I worked hard on my dream to make it BIG in cricket and went about it very earnestly. In the process I made new friends, understood old ones and lost a few but I always told myself it was all for a dream, And when I couldn't fulfill my dream the only thought that I had was that I should have started dreaming earlier. So now I have started my dream again (and early enough I hope), what if I didn't play for India, I will one day coach the Indian Women's Team.

The course in Bangalore, about which I hesitated so much, opened my eyes and made me realise I have potential beyond just coaching Tamilnadu. It is a long road ahead and I am pretty sure it has a lot of dead ends and paths that lead the wrong way, sometimes a path that might make me want to stop chasing my dream. But I am determined more than ever to make sure that I give all my effort towards reaching my destination, even if it means falling every step of the way.

What my baby is to me...

I just felt like writing..what I have no clue. But I am guessing that just as my previous encounters with this page this I will be meandering through a few unrelated things that seem to occupy my mind.

Uttara is turning 3 next month and it seems just unfair that time is flying right in front of me. Where is my little baby who was in my arms not too far back. She is already back answering me, yells at me if I don't comply to her every wish and command and  is then filled with a sense of guilt , which makes her cries further to want me more than ever next to her. :)

Oh how I love all this. I am truly lucky to be with her and watch her grow. She certainly has a mind of her own and I really wish that she'd be this strong willed and determined person that she is now even when she grows up.

As parents we all have certain perceptions about how we would like our child to be. For me I'd like her to be this independent person who is straightforward not just in action but also in the mind. Uncluttered and trouble free, honest yet charming, loving yet standing up for herself when it matters. The kind of person who takes a win in her stride and a loss with a smile on her face. Makes her own decisions and to stand by it. But most of all I want her to be the baby she is to me always, even when she is really really OLD.

I am so looking forward to her growing up, going to a new school, making friends, enjoying her independence with responsibility, learning new things with each passing day, sharing her day with me and so much more.

Yesterday we were all having an ice cream and just as every child does she was obviously more tempted by the ice cream that I was having instead of hers. So she asked me to exchange ice creams and I gave it up just like that. That is when I thought of the million times that I had done the exact thing with my mother and it brought a smile to my face thinking if this brought the same joy to my mum as it did to me.

Little girls are so full of emotions and life, I never thought I would be a mother and love all this and yet here I am saying and writing everything that this child means to me. It doesn't mean that I am a perfect mother, not at all, but I know that I am the kind of mother who likes to learn the way her child is learning everyday and in the process being very happy doing it. It is probably the first time I have ever enjoyed learning something :)

Why is that when we are 18 or 20 we feel that the world is at feet and the minute we turn 30 the attitude becomes one of finding answers in this unfair world!!! Why do so many doubt come up in our minds or is it just mine? Can I find answers or am I better off leaving question unanswered?

The other day I saw a 20 odd something guy on the road walking with not too many concerns and my thoughts went back to when I was 22 and had no responsibilities and what I wanted to do was invariably what I'd end up doing, which would was met with quite a few objections from you know who. :) Today I wonder if I should have listened to my parents and would have my life been any different from what it is today. Considering we don't really have too much control about our future does it mean we don't give it a thought when the right people advice you about what to do and what not to do?

However there are many who are burdened with multiple responsibilities even when they are young and have coped up with aplomb and they have my respect and admiration. But the lack of responsibility that I am implying is in the mind. No bills to pay, no price rise to worry about and to imagine that fuel was meant to be wasted by riding around the city under the blazing sun, availability of vegetable was immaterial let alone the cost of veggies. And all this seemed like yesterday???? Where have those days gone, they are certainly not going to return and that is a truth that I have to accept whether I want to or not and I'd better do it quickly because the outside world of economics is catching up with all of us and that too at the speed of light!!

Does this mean I should have led life differently back then or I am I a content person? I am sure I will be contradicting myself a million times when I try to find answers to this question and that is what is expected too.

Now that I have a child questions arise as to how am I going to handle her when my role is reversed. Do I inform her about all the problems that the world is facing and sensitize her to that as she grows up or do I have to let her learn by herself.  I see parents who seem to connect so well with their kids, will I be one of them? Or will I have a totally different strategy and yet gain her confidence as she grows and experiences all the ups and downs that life has to offer? As I said earlier we have no control but all that I can hope and pray for is that I don't lose control.

When I started writing this blog what I wanted to write was totally different and what I have ended up writing is very different but they are my open thoughts nonetheless and if I have confused the reader I am not going to apologise  for this exactly the person I am today, confused but relatively sane!!

A special new year

Its been ages since I've blogged and I can assure you that its not because of the lack of time, its quite the opposite. I've had so much time on my hands that getting down to writing seems to be a rather difficult task. Maybe thats why its better to be busy because that way we remember to do almost everything we've set out to do.

Anyway, this year is a mighty special one. The reason is of course my little one. I'm due in May and although I'm being very calm about the speed at which each day goes by, I constantly think about how life has so completely changed and all for the better. I find it so funny that I am to become a mother. I don't think I have gotten over the fact that I am a wife and already a mother!! It kind of freaks me out sometimes but I guess its all for the better and certainly for happier times ahead.

I keep wondering what Nikhil must be thinking too about his new role from May. Does he have any fears? Are there any questions in his mind? Although I must admit he felt more married than me right from the first day and so this too he must have accepted completely.

Well there yet another significant reason as to why this year is going to be special. Well my best friend is getting married and despite the fact that the wedding date is too close to my due date I know the little one inside understands that he/she needs to hold on so that I am able to enjoy this most awaited event thoroughly. When we were growing up I always imagined Urmi to be the first one to get married and have a kid and I hadn't even for a second contemplated my marriage or anything really. But its obvious that God ALWAYS has other things planned and we can never go away from a fated path. I have this tendency of being resigned to fate, be it something good or otherwise and so I accept everything that comes along the way with unchanged feelings. This in a way helps alot especially when things don't really go your way.

So a year full of good events and joyful moments, may this be there always, every year. :)

Ganpati Bappa Morya!!

These resounding words communicate the depth of love that the people in Mumbai share for this most adorable deity. In fact, goose bumps are a sure thing when one hears it from even a small group, for it comes straight from the gut.

This Saturday, which is the 7th day of the function and hence Visarjan, Nikhil and I decided to venture out. We chose a direction will be least crowded and we succeeded as far as traffic goes. But what captured our hearts was the kind of 'Bhakti' that we saw. Men, women and children, barefeet walk along with their deity to immerse Him in water. Ganesha is given a royal send off with people singing and rejoicing. They probably know, He is gone now but will be back next year and maybe they will give Him a grander send off.

I have half a mind of going on the 11th day of the Visarjan, the most special day, and watch from the sidelines of any beach, everything that happens. I am sure it will be the grandest thing I have seen, in relation to God. In Chennai too immersion happens but it is not even 1/10th of what one might witness here. They call that a crowd, then what say of the millions who are likely to be milling on all roads. No swine flu is going to keep them away, for they know that their Bappa will take good care of them. That is the faith that people have.

There have been many reports of how Ganpati and Ramzan celebrations have been happening side by side. Although it has been happening for centuries now, the need to mention it specially now is probably because of all the tension surrounding our dear country. 26/11 is fast approaching its one year anniversary and we are struggling to accept the harm that it has done to our psyche. Maybe Ganpati will provide answers with his immersion. Are we to immerse all hatred too, is there a lesson to be learnt?

All I say do is join in the chorus and proudly say Ganpati Bappa Morya!!!

Change in the way we think..

I went on a trip to London recently and as crazy I am about this country, India, I had to admit the logic behind people not returning back to their homeland after having worked or having had extended stays in countries such as UK, USA and other such places. So what makes it nice to be there, that is not here?? Well, the first thing that hits you, whether you've been there for 10 days, 1 month or however long, is how clean those countries are!! When we see garbage strewn all around us and we seem oblivious to it!!??!! How is that possible? By closing our nostrils for the moment we pass a garbage bin or by closing our eyes or most importantly, by closing our minds to it we wish to eliminate the truth of the constant stench surrounding us. No amount of room fresheners or agarbathis can freshen our polluted minds. We need to see all around us and feel sorry for the condition we live in. But instead, we are proud of it and showcase our slums to the world and end up making a movie out of it too. The second factor that appeals to the visitor is the fact that we as pedestrians are given utmost importance. Well, a huge truck waits for you to cross at the zebra crossing and that too with a smile on the face of the driver. You feel importnt crossing the road and makes you feel like how David would have felt when he defeated Goliath!! Whereas here, even when we have the right to cross, a motorcyclist would break the signal, hit us, cuss at us and then move on like we have stolen him of his few precious moments on earth!! But we move on, like thats how its meant to be. Don't get me wrong here and think that I have lost my fanaticism over India, thanks to a ten day honeymoon, no, thats not it. My question is, why cant we be like them and be proud of it. Its not sufficient if the world's financial markets envy us, we need to be proud of what and who we are. We can also have a clean country with law abiding citizens. How? By making a small change in the minds of us, educated people. If we try to do the simple things right and teach just one more person, we can make a difference. It is not impossible, its achievable and also within our lifetime. Those is in a position of power need to start working on making laws that people can understand and wont go out of the way to find loopholes. For instance, if crossing the STOP line is a fault, then start fining even the government buses, this will help the common man understand his liability too. As far as zebra crossings go, remember that our roads are filthy and black an white lines are impossible to see. Lets not ape the colour of the zebra, call it anything else and make it bright yellow or green, which everyone can see and would probably be scared to cross!! Lets start respecting ourselves as living beings first and try to improve our quality of life then I am sure our neighbours too would want the same for us and from there on there is only one way for us...and my guess is as good as yours.. :)

Change in attitude

The women have gone where the men didnt.. Well I am talking about the T20 World Cup thats going on. The Indian women's team (which I always hoped I would be a part off but that obviously didnt happen) played its semifinal against New Zealand and lost, rather badly I must add. There are times that we women are grateful that we dont have as much publicity as the men and yesterday was certainly one of those grateful days.

I am not an exponent of winning all matches that are played. I am infact practical enough to admit that its not possible win every match you play, be it men or women. But what is in our hands is to play 'like you want to win'. Now, that attitude can get you going and that way even if you lose you know you were beaten because the other team was better but not because your team was bad.

But can I say that of yesterday's match???? I really wonder if they were too over rawed by the magnanimity of the situation, being seen by millions of people perhaps, the women are not used to it!! Or am I making up reasons for them???

For a person who has been associated with the game for ten years and I have put my heart and soul into this game, I look deeper for reasons and the only one that comes to my mind is, did the Women's team give up even before they started palying the match? Had they lost even without the first ball being bowled? But why should they, for the New Zealand women too mustt have been under pressure? It is a big match and the anxiety levels are bound to be high for both teams alike. But apparently, the Indian women just couldn't handle it. Can we pass on the blame to others or will that not get us anywhere?

Let me think out loud, the Indian team was selected based on a few practice matches that were played between 30 cricketers chosen by the selectors. There arent too many playing the game, but are these the country's best 30 cricketers? I dont think so, there is more talent than what was put before us. There was no 20-20 domestic tournament that was played, maybe we could have unearthed some raw talent most useful for this format of the game.

We live in a country where temperatures are rocketing and we go a few days ahead of our scheduled practice matches to a country which has never seen temperatures of 30 C. So women dont have to get acclimatised to the conditions??? Beats me...

Well lots can be said of our loss but lingering in the past wont help, we need to look into the future. Wat can we do, without expecting too much from the system? We can change our mindset, thats a controllable factor and thats like hitting the nail on the head. We need to start believing in ourselves more and then we can achieve. This is not an overnight change but a gradual one that can be achieved with perseverence.

If anyone begs to differ please do let me know!!! ;)